I know you must be thinking all this is obsolete
I needed a min to think, so please read on before you delete
I always thought that mia was my worst-best monster
But you had come along and perfectly replaced her
I dwelled in my emotions where we could always meet
I ran to our check points, cause there I felt complete
But living in between felt empty like the void
And everything I built, I quickly then destroyed
Conflicting interests of sentiment and time
Meant that our means and wants were at odds too, am I right?
So when I thought I was creating for you, I was obliterating us
I wanted to communicate but wasn’t
ready to discuss?
I concealed some fundamentals but made public their effects
I cloned old mistakes but spoke of
regrets
I obscuritized my statements because I wasn’t too sure
F*ck man you were right, I am immature...
My last words show I’m a contradiction too
But so is he, and she, and you...
When I decided 'it’s time to explain'
You couldn’t hear me and that led to the following chain:
As I was getting more and more stressed
You progressively lost tolerance and interest
Anyway I always hoped that:
If I could say the right thing, then we could have the longest fling
If I tried really hard, then I won’t get scared
If I perpetually pleased you, I might flawlessly complete you
If I could stop using her to deal with pain, all this time needn’t be in vain
If you could always validate me, then she may liberate me
If you stood near for my battles, we would avoid the pointless rattles
If you could better understand, I wouldn’t have to pretend
But that approach brought me to quick sand
And nothing ever turned out, just the way I planned
And so I learned that:
Attaining control, is realizing that you haven’t got control
Beginning to know, is recognizing that you do not know
Its been a while:
But still our memories saturate my mind
And still I read your eMails from time to time
And still I feel I am cheating when I talk to him
And still can’t let nobody touch my skin
And still I hope every spoken word hasn’t shattered to bits
And still I wish we wouldn’t have acted like kids
And still I think you knew the person I wanted to be, but wasn’t quite
And still I believe we couldn’t be, but I no longer fight
And still I remember your song said it wasn’t true love, but I beg to differ
And still I think you read my lines but failed to see the true picture
And still I know, you haven’t got a clue how hard I’ve had it
And now I know, you were you, and hated you for it
I hated you because I met you now
I hated you because I wanted to be perfect but didn’t know how
I hated you because I knew you weren’t staying long
I hated you because my feelings swelled so strong
I hated you because I KNEW THAT, but neglected reality
I hated you because YOU LEFT, and in settled triviality
I hated you because your judgment was right
I hated you because you could make my days bright
I hated you because you caused immense confusion
I hated you because you were the problem,
not the solution
A process is irreversible, but things seem on track
The shortcomings are visible, time to move on and seldom look back
Things have begun improving since
and slowly I reform through repentence...
Though, the case will not be complete before I tell what’s true:
a. I am sorry for lying;
b. I loved days spent with you although they were too few
And I guess the what YOU DID was a byproduct of that,
it’s funny how simple it looks when you trim all the fat.
Poem © Magdalena Filipova 2008
(all rights reserved)
© editor@unheardwords.com 2008
(all rights reserved)
