This is actually the third version of this simple poem, which in just three stanzas seeks to convey a wealth of emotion, history and strong residual feeling, all set within a particular context (night, street, caribbean).
The same is true of the original version, though this might be seen as over working the words; using slight more to spell things out. Original Version:
bredren rears back
and sees her
longing for seconds
to touch her
he has known her
placed seeds inside her
that she flushed, discarded
she percieves him, solemnly grieving
leaning against a shadow...seething
half breath but not breathing
she shortens her stride to a stop
the road becomes tenuous,
frightening, moments are spent
in trembling, as darkness engages
in dance like voodoo, caribbean...juju!
The second version sought to clip some of these words and change others to emphasis meaning. In the pursuit of the poetic flow, the meaning as expressed by the first stanza was actually altered (discarded to infertile). Second Version:
bredren rears back
and sees her
longing for seconds
to watch what he has known
his seed once sown
into infertile soil
she perceives him, solemnly grieving
leaning against a shadow
half breath but not breathing
she shortens her stride to a stop
the road becomes fragile,
fearful of moments spent trembling,
as darkness engages
in dance like voodoo,
caribbean...juju!
Returning once again to the version that appears as final above (the third version), this reasserts the original meaning of the first stanza.
'the baby having been aborted or lost, much to HIS regret and HER shame'
This version also features shortened lines, whilst great effort has been taken to maintain the overall meaning of the piece.
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