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                                           What can you tell a New new Writer.

 Well, it depends on what they’re prepared to share with you. A new writer, describing herself as a mere beginner, recently submitted a poem (actually a song) featured below:

PAIN THAT is CAUSED by YOU

She left him on a booze fuelled night
teary eyed and so uptight she was
where can she go What can she do
can anybody understand
her pain thats caused by YOU

she said, she said, she just said

Then she said, she doesnt feel herself nomore
And her personality got lost, right outside Her bedroom door
she said, she just said

now her years are rolling on and on
and bye and bye and bye
and when she wakes up in HER morning
all that she does is die..............

© Suzanne Flynn, 2005 (all rights reserved)

Feedback;
I liked this poem. It hooks from the opening line
and something about it keeps you on the edge.

It's got a lot of realism; the repetition 'she said,
she said...', as if to find the right words or to make
sense of the situation, is convincing.

The only bit I'm not sure about is the combination of
'she left him' in the first line stanza one, and
'pain that's caused by you', last line stanza one.
This turns the reader around somewhat - 'she' working
a third person narrative and 'YOU' becoming first person,
as if to accuse the reader. Of course, this could be
a device to involve the reader.

A second piece ‘Is She’, sent in by the same author was self-explained as being - about people passing comment on people; say you see a homeless person and remark, oh my God he/she is homeless we don’t want to mix with that type, etc. But if you just sat and talked to them you would find out WHY they are in a situation like that. The end line is about an out of body experience, its like don’t judge a book by its cover type of thing (there’s always something deeper).

Is SHE

That girl over there is drunk
The girl over there is wasted
The girl over there is grieving
The girl over there is seeing

That girl over there is a looker
The girl over there is a giver

That girl over there left her body
Someone sent her back
To retrieve it...............

© Suzanne Flynn, 2005 (all rights reserved)

Feedback;
Aware that the form may be 'a song', I'm reading this
(song or) poem in a slightly different way, which probably
changes the view.

The opening stanza is ok. It sets up something that you'd
expect to follow through; like an explanation or an
exploration of the themes. Why is she drunk, wasted,
grieving? What is she seeing (stanza two). By stanza three
it's all too late as the poem ends. It would be good if the
poem could be extended to encapsulate something about the
girl or convey something more to the people or person bearing
witness (us as the reader perhaps).

It's cryptic which is strong, but too cryptic - which leaves
a yearning for something that isn't there.

A third piece (JUST) from Suzanne Flynn (she says; what motivates me, is people situations, people ringin me up sayin how sht they feel lol, and observations, cultural things, the underdog, life blah blah, blah. Mostly realism, we keep that, "as nothing is permanent"), is featured in the writeworks profile JUST.

Incidentally, this is a song (to some, form really matters, to others it just tells you something about how a work is to be conveyed or performed or consumed); and incidentally, I really enjoyed this piece of writing. It has universal themes (loneliness, difficulty, highs, lows and love). And, although it revolves around love - it’s in a way that contrasts love and life. It is concise but involving, and moving.

Which goes to show that work that’s new, as well as suffering the pitfalls and set backs of the uninitiated can have a freshness, and a natural impact that writers who’ve been crafting it for longer, may find it hard to rekindle in their work.